Finish This (#24)

I stumbled across a fun link up today, and thought I would participate! It is hosted by Nicole at (Three 31), Lisa (Coastlined), Jen (The Arizona Russums), and Becky (The Java Mama).

1. I could spend all day …
drawing (or playing Call of Duty). When I get started on a project, I hate to stop midway through. I get into a groove and feel like I have to finish it. Now that I’m a mom, I don’t have the time (or energy) to devote to working on something all day, so I appreciate what time I do get.

As far as Call of Duty goes, it is like my guilty little pleasure. I never really played first person shooters before I got together with my husband. I played various games here and there, but sucked at FPS. He begged me to play with him and I gave it a try. We started with Halo ODST and I SUCKED. We played with another couple D knew through work online and everyone owned me. But I didn’t give up. D got Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 that year and I would watch him play team deathmatch. I gave it a try and had a lot of fun with it. Once Black Ops came out, we were able to split screen and play together. It was tons of fun for us. We would play online with friends in private and public matches. We enjoyed it enough, we decided to get another system so we could have our own space to play. Before we became parents, we could waste a whole Saturday playing. It was great. We still play now, but only get a little time here or there.

2. My primary and most essential goal in life …
is to be happy. I want Dave to be happy. I want Evie to be happy. I want to be happy. I want Evie to look back on her childhood and have happy memories. I want to enjoy life, no matter where it takes us.

3. You might be surprised to learn …
I don’t miss living in California. I was born and raised there. I spent 22 years in the Golden State. When I relocated to Texas, I had a negative view of the state. I had been there before, as a 13 year old. We traveled to the Texas City/Galveston area to visit family. It was humid and full of bugs and just different than I was used to. The roads were weird and they used different slang than I was used to. It was a little bit of a culture shock.

My boyfriend (now husband) was also a Cali kid. We were raised in the same town (even born in the same hospital) and graduated high school together. He assured me that it wasn’t that bad here. I have to admit, I was a bit wary and hopeful he would get orders so we would move, but the place really grew on me. We got out of the little town he is stationed in and explored the state more. We found lots of fun places and met a lot of nice people.

I like to consider myself a transplanted Texas now. We would like to stay in the state as long as circumstances allow us. My husband teases me and says I have a bit of a Texas twang to my accent, and I have to remind him that he says “Ya’ll” more and more everyday. While there are some things I miss about my “home” state (like Pismo Beach and my parents), there are lots I don’t miss like the smog, winter fog, allergies, gas prices, etc.

4. My favorite place in the world is …
home, with the beach coming in a very close second. I love being in the comfort of my own home (where ever that may be at the time), where I can relax and be myself. While I do enjoy getting out, I am a homebody. I like movie nights on the couch, playing with Evie and her toys, reading a book in bed…

My second favorite is something that I love even more that I don’t get to go there often. I grew up going on family vacations to the beach every summer. I lived a mere 3 hours from the coast. I love walking the beach, hunting for sea shells, body boarding, flying kites, building sand castles. I love the smell and the sound of the waves.

Though Texas has beaches, we are not close to any of them. It is a good 8 hour+ drive to get to the beach. We went to Galveston in 2010 and had a wonderful time. I also went to Pismo Beach, CA on a trip to visit my parents in 2011. That’s my most recent trip to the beach. 2012 was busy with pregnancy, and 2013 we had a new born, so we didn’t make any long trips. I hope I can go the the beach sometime soon. I cannot wait to bring Evie on her first trip to the ocean!

5. I wish I had known sooner …
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt
Growing up, I got teased a lot. I was very tall compared to the other kids and I was chubbier. I let other people make me feel bad about myself. I let them break me down and question my self worth. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because I wasn’t as skinny as this person or I didn’t have name brand clothes like that person. It really effected my experience through out school and held me back from doing things that I wanted to do.

I still struggle with this today. I always try to remind myself that it doesn’t matter what people may say about me. I know my worth. I have value. I know my reasoning and values behind my actions. Just because my choices or lifestyle are not something you agree with, doesn’t make it bad.

I struggled for awhile with the choice my husband and I made for me to stay home (before we had Evie). There were many things that went into the decision. We only had one vehicle and this is not a walking/biking friendly town. We wanted time to spend together instead of working opposite shifts or having conflicting schedules, as well as we wanted to be able to travel and go places. It allowed my husband to get home from work and not have to worry about the dishes, dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. I also suffer from anxiety (general) and social anxiety. I try my best to keep it under control, but it is difficult. I struggled with it throughout my years at my job in California. I often had my heart pounding and my mind racing as I went into work most days.

I guess I say all that not to “justify,” because I am now in a place where I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but to say that it was a calculated decision. While everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I had my character attacked because of this decision. Suddenly I was a lazy gold digger (?!) who wanted to sit back and do nothing but spend my husband’s pay check. Nothing could be further from the truth (ask my husband, he gets irritated with me when trying to get me to buy things!), but the fact is that it hurt my feelings. I made me feel bad about myself.

I am not a stupid person. I graduated towards the top of my class and only got 3 B’s my whole high school career. I went to college for 3 years and made the Dean’s list. I struggled to figure out what I wanted to do in life. I tried many different subjects through college, but couldn’t find my passion. I did what felt right for me. I’m happy. I love being a wife and mom and I don’t feel like I am lacking anything by not having a degree or a career. I am not wasting my life, I am living it. I just wish that I had realized all of that sooner. I could have saved myself so much hurt and anxiety over feeling like I had to explain myself.

I let others effect the way I saw myself. I let them tear down my self esteem. I tried so hard to make other people happy for so long. I thought that is what I was supposed to do. Now I know better. I am no longer consenting to being degraded or beat down. I know I am better than that and I am a good person. I am not perfect, but I don’t deserve to be treated badly.


About Nicole

I'm 32 years old. California born and raised. Mama to two wonderful kiddos. I love to travel, play video games with my husband, cook, and get tattooed. I'm generally a shy till I get to know you, which seems to give off the wrong impression to some. I can be a bit sarcastic. Ok, very sarcastic, but I mean it in jest (most of the time).
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One Response to Finish This (#24)

  1. aimeed23 says:

    Visiting Galveston is not the best first place to visit in TX.. Your hair sucks cause of the weather and it is dirty! BUT there are so many awesome places in Texas like the Hill Country.. Oh how I love that you love Tx now.. WELCOME our lil’ Texan transplant !!!!

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